I’ve been hearing it for years. . A major news story about the next celebrity couple separating due to infidelity, a coworker going through a divorce after finding out their husband has been cheating, or worse yet, a close friend expecting me to cover for him when his girlfriend gets suspicious. This truly disappoints me.

The sanctity of marriage is one that I hold to the highest regard. I am extremely fortunate enough to grow up in a household with two parents that are still married, and closing in 45 years of being together. This may not have stood out to me when I was younger, but as I grew older and I began forming my own relationships these values started to take hold in a way I never expected. In my 20s I was seeking a long term partner even when I was too young to appreciate the idea. I had no idea what I wanted, but I did realize that a stable relationship was the right path.

In my early twenties I struggled with many aspects of life, trying to find my place. Attempting to understand how life worked and what made the world turn was always under the surface. I wanted to find someone to experience life with and I needed a life long partner. I was wholly unsuccessful. It was then in my late twenties that I felt trapped and completely forced into a loveless marriage. Being married to my first wife was an emotional roller coaster that was falling off the tracks from day one. I later found out that most of my family expected this relationship to fail, without saying anything to me, but that is another topic for another time.

The day to day fighting and arguing felt nothing like the marriage that I saw with my parents. Did they have bad days? Sure, but those days were probably mostly my fault as a defiant kid just wanting to cause trouble for attention. The good days were good and I look up to my parents as a shining example of commitment and love. My father is the epitome of a man in my eyes. He worked hard to provide a roof over his family’s heads. My mother should be Sainted after having to spend all those years trying to keep my siblings and me in line, and boy did we challenge both.

Having that marriage as an example really set me up for both success and failure at the same time. My first marriage failed miserably. I wasn’t the best husband. I was distant and cranky. I was not a fan of her friends and they all knew it. We were all polite to each other, but it was not uncommon for me to head to bed early if everyone was at our house on a Friday night. It was hard to explain, but I just wasn’t happy.

How could this be the case? I was working hard and I was coming home every day. I even had a second job that I used as an excuse to not be home. It was all tense and hanging on by a thread at this stage. We fought over the silliest things and I felt as if my role as a husband was to simply keep the peace. The uncomfortable feeling that I had made a mistake never left the back of my mind, but do you know what I did?

I kept my word. I didn’t cheat, stray, or even flirt with anyone at all. Since my father laid out the plan of being a faithful man with his actions as examples, I had no choice but to continue and hope to find a way to make everything work. I continued to go to work and come home. I did the home improvements, I took out the trash. I was supportive when I needed to be and quiet when it was best. It was sad and lonely, but I was married.

That was my existence, everyday, until it all came crashing down. I eventually found out that I was being cheated on. It was a sobering experience. Once I had the smoking gun evidence needed, I contacted a lawyer and moved out as soon as I could. I was devastated and relieved at the same time. Devastated that I had put so much emotional effort in trying to make this work, even if I was truly faking it the entire time. I was angry that someone would put me through the ringer everyday and nitpick everything about me. The uncertainty of what I was coming home to raised my blood pressure, and she cheated on me? This isn’t fair. This isn’t right. I was also relieved knowing that I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore and I was finally set free.

The sanctity of marriage was at stake, but not from my doing. A marriage that worked was all I was looking for. In hindsight, I realize that I never truly loved her. It was a marriage of convenience and familiarity. I was at the age and stage of life that everyone just gets married, so that’s what I did. When it ended and I was going through the process of a divorce, I found Tina.

Tina and I related on a number of levels that I never thought was possible. It was as if we knew each other before we even met. It was painfully clear that this is the woman that I was meant to be with. This gorgeous woman was way out of my league, but we helped each other relearn that love was possible and attainable. From the moment we met, we both secretly wanted nothing more out of life, but to grow old together. From that second on, I was committed. A respectful, happy, joyous marriage was developing and I never looked back.

Having Tina in my life and being married for a few years now, has reinvigorated the concept of commitment for me, that never wanted to lose. I may have almost lost all hope from time to time, but it never really left me. In some sense, going through what we’ve gone through individually, led us to find each other under the strange circumstances that we did. I’ve learned a lot about myself and my place in the world, all because of having a thriving relationship like I do. If it wasn’t for her, I definitely wouldn’t be the happy man typing this out for you to read.

This long journey is why I hold the idea of marriage and commitment on such a high pedestal. Even when I wasn’t happy, I still held to my word and commitment. Never once did I risk any relationship by cheating, even the terrible first marriage that I described earlier.

Let’s finally get to the point. Marriage, or any commitment, is one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I see it as a lifelong dedication, allegiance, and loyalty to the one person that you hold above anyone else. Tina comes first, then myself. This is not because I am an insecure person that cowtails to everything she says. Instead, I cherish her opinion and strive to give her everything she deserves. In turn, she does the same to me. The thought of losing her and everything we’ve worked so hard for, because of my own doing, frightens me.

When I hear about the divorce rate or someone being caught cheating, a small part of me gets angry. Why did they get married in the first place, just to throw it all away with a fling? That decision shows me that the cheater was never fully invested in the commitment in the first place. For whatever reason, justifications are made, lies are perpetuated, and trust is lost. This could go on for years, and might even become a family secret that just gets brushed under the rug. Spouses are disrespected to their face and hot dinners together really are cold. I’m not sure how I would be able to face myself or my spouse with a secret of this magnitude.

If your wife can’t trust you, how can I?

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